Day 319. The Accountable One.

So. This is not too flattering a story about me. I will be brief and vague intentionally. A while back, motivated by not good things, I said some pretty mean-spirited things about someone. While (and trust me, I KNOW this is not an excuse or acceptable reason) my intention was venting and intended to be heard by certain people only, the fact remains that in saying them at all I did something wrong - and ultimately hurtful when the person I was talking about found out what I said. And there's the subject of today's post - the person who informed my "target" of what I had said.

Here's the thing. I am very VERY thankful for that person and their actions. While I have suffered greatly and - still - feel awful, I had to take a hard look at myself. If I want to be thought of as a good person, well, shocker, I have to actually BE a Good Person. I think its too easy for us sometimes (and wait for the generality here), and women in particular, to resort to catty, gossipy behavior. I have learned as a result of all this to really consider not only my words, but the intention behind those words. Changing words requires a lot more work on the inside of who we are, and I am actually happy to be taking that on in myself.

Also - I've learned a lot about facing the music - the one thing I had to do was face up to my wrongs and apologize to those that I affected. That can be a pretty humbling action. You can't offer a defense, because it doesn't matter. You can't debate the whats or whys, it doesn't matter. You have to own up to what you did and face - directly - the pain that can cause another.

To the person who "outted" my behavior - I say thank you. I say that you have reminded me how slack I had become in considering how my actions affect others. I say that you have reminded me that only I am responsible for how I am perceived, and I am the caretaker of my reputation and I have to take that seriously. Some people have asked if I am mad at you, and to that I say NO. No matter the method of discovery, if you do something wrong, you are accountable for it. As a dear friend of mine has always said "the truth will out". I am committed to changing the things in me that made me do what I did and I am committed to making things right by those I have hurt...however long that may take.


Devyl Gyrl said...

Beautiful, Alison.

Only a truly good person can take this on.


Dave Thurston said...

Looking and Walking Tall. Rock on.